Changed By Jesus #28

By Tiffany, Mars Hill West Seattle My life began on June 29, 1979, as a mess and a miracle. My mom was 19 when she got pregnant with me. My father, having had a vasectomy, didn’t believe that I could possibly be his, but this was God’s miracle. He is in control of the womb, and I was to be born no matter the decision of man. I grew up in an alcohol and drug abusing home, volatile and full of neglect. Satan and sin destroyed my family. My father sexually abused me when I was very young, and my mother had an affair with a man nearly 10 years younger than her. She got pregnant, had an abortion, and when my dad found out, my parents separated. Most of my life was filled with sadness and emptiness. By age 16, I was fully depressed, I fell in love, and became sexually active. I felt my world falling apart, and I tried to take my life. I ended up hospitalized in a psychiatric facility. I had constant thoughts about the different ways to kill myself, and continued to try them all in the hospital. I couldn’t understand why a loving God would let me live in such pain and desperation. One night I began crying, wailing, and couldn’t stop for days. The nurses finally had to sedate me. I sat staring out the window. "I’m done with you," I told God. "I don’t believe in you anymore."

My war against God had begun.

Eventually, due to insurance restrictions, the hospital needed to release me or send me to a long-term facility. We opted for release, and I immediately went to work fighting God. I tried drugs for a short time, just to destroy myself, but He wouldn’t go away. I tried having sex with pretty much every guy who showed interest, to destroy my sense of worth, but He wouldn’t go away. I covered my car with God-slurring bumper stickers, to announce to the world that He was nothing, but He wouldn’t go away. After a few years of reducing myself to a worthless piece of garbage, I started dating a Christian guy. One day he tricked me into going to church. I mocked him the whole way there, but I went, and God made His move. I couldn’t think straight at church, I wanted Him and only Him. I needed Jesus to save me. I asked Him into my heart that night. But that was it. I thought I was a Christian now. I thought all was good. I decided that I needed to get out of Florida, so I broke up with my boyfriend and went to Seattle, where my dad was living. I started dating another guy and moved in with him. It was a miserable relationship, but the guy didn’t drink or do drugs, and we didn’t sleep together. This was as far as my morals could get me. I thought this was as good as I was going to get, but I didn't actually knowing God. All I really had was an impression of what a "Christian" should do. I didn’t really understand why. I started college and became friends with a girl named Jenni. She was a Christian, and soon realized that, though I may have thought I was a Christian, I wasn’t living for Jesus. I didn’t go to church, I lived with my boyfriend, and I never really read the Bible. Every week Jenni invited me to this church called "Mars Hill," but I always declined. Eventually, we lost touch. But I never forgot her. There was something different about her. She was so kind and so giving. She had a light I couldn’t explain.

Two years went by.

My boyfriend and I broke up. I continued college. All the while I never lost that sad, empty, not-caring-if-I-were-dead, no purpose feeling. Finally, I realized that Jenni had what I wanted: God. She really knew Him, and it was time for me to get to know Him. I sat in my car one day crying out to God, saying, "I’m so sorry. I can’t do this without you. I need you and can’t do this alone. I will come to you." I searched for Jenni’s church online, but I could not remember the name. The very next day, however, I saw an article in the paper about Mars Hill Church. That was it! I went that Sunday, and the first person I saw was Jenni. God had led me there, and provided me comfort and safety on my first visit. I loved the church and wanted to learn everything about God. I learned about why God put all these rules on us—why I can’t have sex with my boyfriend, why I can’t get drunk. These weren’t just empty Christian morals; I read the Bible and learned about God’s great love for us. He wanted to protect me and keep me pure, because he was a true Father. He was the Father I had always wanted. I learned that Jesus died for all our sins, and that through Him I was forgiven. He was the Savior I always needed. This was incredible. I was free from all of this stuff that destroyed me and made me feel disgusting, unworthy, and meaningless. I could live with a God who protected me, a Savior who gave His life for me, with hope, purpose, and meaning. I never looked back. I joined a community group, and on my first visit, my future husband opened the door. I got baptized two weeks later. God made it very clear that He wanted me to share my faith with the world and be fully transformed. In all of this, I was amazed at how God had taken away my depression.

But shortly after I got engaged, Satan began a full on attack.

I had troubling visions. I became very sick. I don’t even remember our wedding day. The night after our wedding I had a nightmare so terrible, I couldn’t even distinguish reality form the dream. I was hospitalized for an illness, and my depression returned in full force. Again I was trying to kill myself on a regular basis, trying to hang myself, drown myself, stab myself. I would say things and couldn’t remember saying them. My husband searched his Bible, prayed, and realized that I was experiencing spiritual attack. He contacted the church and the pastors responded very quickly. They spent many hours with us. I was being severely oppressed by demons, due to sin I had committed and sin that had been committed against me. They worked hard to help free me of this oppression, and when they were done, for the first time in my life, my head was completely quiet. No more voices telling me I was worthless, a slut, a whore, disgusting, and that I should die. From that moment on my life was completely different. From that moment, I have spent my life learning about Jesus, serving Jesus, and growing more deeply in love with Him. My relationship grows everyday and now I live for Him. There is pretty much nothing (I wish I could say this absolutely) that I do without thinking about Jesus and how I can bring Him glory. I am so amazed by His grace, his mercy, and that He would choose me to save me from the pit of death, the gates of hell. I love living my life for Him and there is nothing I would rather do, everything else is empty and meaningless. Praise God for who He is. Recommended resources for those dealing with depression, spiritual attack, and the effects of sin: Death By Love and the Spiritual Warfare sermon series. Share your story. Has Jesus used the ministry of Mars Hill Church to change you? Email testimony [at] marshillchurch.org.