Burgundy's mother, Sandy, had been the victim of sexual abuse by her father and others, and after a troubled youth, she became a Christian at a very legalistic inner-city church in Phoenix. She married, but the family was cast out of their church because Burgundy's father had an affair with another man, and Sandy turned away from God and the Church. Sandy was sick and absent for much of Burgundy's youth, and the two did not have a good relationship. Burgundy met Christ in August 2007. After I gave my life to Christ, I learned more about my mother's tragic past. I deeply wanted a real relationship with her and for her to really know Jesus. But, it only took a few unsuccessful attempts of me trying to break through her walls that I gave up. In January of this year, I resigned myself to going to her 50th birthday party, but was grieved by how sick was. On the car ride home, I broke down. All that was in my heart came boiling out of me like a volcano. I was crying and questioning God, Why should I love her after all she has done to me?! The Holy Spirit answered me in my heart, Because Jesus loves you and forgave you, despite what you've done and continue to do. I still didn't know how to initiate a relationship. My younger brother Noah, who was living with my mother, told me that every time I visited them, it seemed like I hated them and only wanted to leave. I was just another legalistic, religious jerk, hurting my family like others had. I called and made plans with my mother for me to come over and make cookies with her, but two days before, she had ended in the hospital again. I thought it was no big deal.

One turn for the better, One for the worst

In the middle of March, my mother went into a coma. For two weeks, I spent almost every night at the hospital, singing to her, reading the Bible, and praying over her. It was so painful and confusing, just sitting there, waiting. All I could do was cry out to God to save her. She woke up and began showing major signs of improvement, and I was so happy to look into her eyes, and know that she could see into mine. She was smiling at me, and she told me she loved me! I asked her if she had heard me talking to her about Jesus before, and if she was relying on him, and she said that God did talk to her and that she was with him. Four days later, I woke up to ten missed calls and seven texts messages from everyone in my family, telling me to hurry to the hospital because mom had taken a turn for the worst. When I got to her hospital room, my mom wasn't moving. I looked into her halfway-open eyes, and knew that she couldn't see into mine. She was gone.

Redeemed to the mother

At her funeral, so many people stood up and talked about how this giving, loving, inspiring woman had helped push them forward in their walk with the Lord. I also read out loud through heavy tears, the letter that my mother wrote to me, probably years before all the madness. In the letter, she told me that I needed to let Jesus into my heart, and that she loved me and always prayed for me. It was exactly what I needed to hear and displayed the amazing sovereignty of God, and how well he knows my heart. I could finally see that my mom really loved me.

Redeemed by the Father

A week after my mother's funeral I watched a sermon by Pastor Mark, where Jesus heals a centurion’s servant. The line that really showed me my heart was this, "Some of you would come like the religious people and say, 'I feel like God owes me,' or 'I feel like I've been a good person.'  You need to meet Jesus, because you know nothing of Jesus. You only know of religion, you don't know grace. The last thing you would want do is stand before God and say, 'Give me what I deserve.' You want to stand before God and say, 'Give me the grace, that comes through Jesus.' " That's when I realized how foolishly arrogant and religious I am. I realized how much I need to understand that it's not about me trying to earn God's love, it's that he loves me and died on a cross for me and I live my life in light of that. By the leading of the Holy Spirit, I learned that I shouldn't be mad at God for taking my mother, I should be glad that he ended her suffering, and he healed her. He healed her spirit, he led her home. That calls for worship. Burgundy Phoenix, Arizona