Phil and Jen Smidt are the dueling banjos of all (or most) things marital over at the Ballard campus, where Phil serves as pastor of marriage and family and Jen as a deacon. They both write extensively for the Ballard campus' blog, and their tandem writing is an invaluable resource to that community, which we like to share with all of you. Here's one of our favorite series from earlier this year on how a marriage works and what makes it do that. First up, Phil debunks the myth of marital compatibility, and offers five practical tips on how to better partner with your spouse.

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My wife and I couldn’t be more different. A story involving my oldest son offers insight into our marital dynamic. While driving around town when he was three, a traffic light prompted him to ask me what a yellow light meant. "Son," I began in my best wise, fatherly voice, "a yellow light means ‘proceed with caution.’" He wanted to test out this theory, so he asked the same question to my wife as the two of them were in the car the next day. "Son," she informed him while waving her hands for emphasis, "a yellow light means 'step on the gas!'" You see, my wife has places to go. Quickly. I like to take my time and enjoy the scenery.

Dictionary: Harmony begets compatibility.

Webster defines compatibility as "the capability to live together in harmony." Our culture highly values compatibility in marriage, but the common belief is you must find the right person in order to do this. If you find the right person, harmony will naturally ensue.

Bible: Grace begets compatibility.

The Bible, however, teaches that harmonious marriages are anything but natural. Since sin entered the scene (Gen 3), relationships are naturally strained and fractured. But the Gospel gives us hope to live in accord with others as Jesus reconstructs relationships. We become others-focused instead of self-focused (Rom 15:5). So, what specifically does the Bible say about compatibility in marriage? A true Christian should marry a true Christian (2 Cor 6:14, 1 Cor 7:39). That’s it, but that says a lot. Instead of finding a compatible mate, Christians are instructed to marry and become a compatible mate. This requires the grace and transformation of Jesus–good news to those already married who are struggling to live in unity with their spouse. After the jump, a (non-exhaustive) list from Pastor Phil of five things a couple can do to work toward better unity in Christ:

5 Things That Won't Guarantee Compatibility, But Can Help

Let's take a closer look at five practical ways married couples can grow in connecting with one another while fighting for unity.

1. Remind each other what you appreciate and admire about one another.

Chances are, those qualities are still there, but you have allowed sin and selfishness to creep in and cloud your view. Sure enough, Jen frustrates me at times. But when I stop and think about her creativity, spontaneous ideas, cute smile, beautiful eyes, and godly character, I have a difficult time becoming resentful and bitter.

2. Remember that it is not God’s intent to conform your spouse into your image and likeness.

I love the fact Jen and I are so different. That is, until we are engaged in a disagreement. Then I begin to wonder, "Why can’t she see this like I do?" Truth be told, I would hate to be married to myself. But in the heat of the moment, I convince myself she needs to be conformed into my image, forgetting that God promises to conform her into his image.

3. Be thoughtful.

I often get caught up in the busyness of life and forget to take daily time to connect with Jen. When I take the time to intentionally send her a text, give her a hug, or ask how her day went, she knows I have actually been thinking about her.

4. Be thankful.

It takes a supernatural intervention by the Holy Spirit to make us thankful. Our tendency is to compare and complain. "Be thankful" is a lifestyle command in scripture, not a suggestion or something we do once a year in November. On a drive across eastern Washington, I asked Jen what we had to be thankful for as a couple. Three hours later, we were still talking when we crossed the state border.

5. Pray together.

God will do his best work in your marriage when you are in prayer. Prayer acknowledges our need for God and our worship of him. Jen and I need to fight for making time together to pray as a couple. Be aware, the enemy hates it when you pray with your spouse. Check back later today as Jen follows up with lessons she learned about marriage from the dance floor.