“Submission,” colloquially, is a nasty word: it implies domination and powerlessness. But the word has an entirely different connotation and definition within a godly marriage, and is emblematic of nothing less than the heart, life, and cross of Christ. Earlier today, Pastor Phil wrote about complementarianism and submission and what those look like for him as a husband. Here, we hear from his wife Jen on what that latter word in particular has meant for this strong-willed woman in her faith and marriage.

Sub-Mission. Add a hyphen to the word and we get a whole new layer of depth that lends itself to some soul-searching. The over-arching mission of all women, single or married, is to be a submitted follower of Christ, imaging Him as we worship in community, inviting others to do likewise. How that plays out in one woman’s life depends on her stage in life, circumstances, and calling. These factors will be the blueprint of her sub-mission.

“I can say with complete peace and confidence that there is no place I’d rather be than resting in the perfect design of my Heavenly Father alongside the man God chose for the job.”

There is not another woman on the planet called to be Phil’s wife, mother to Jake, Nate and Ellie, who homeschools, loves loud ’80s glam rock and drives a black Scion. (I know, strange combination.) I have had to spend many an hour on bended knee, submitting my heart to that sub-mission that God has uniquely laid out for me to walk in. It does me no good to spend my time comparing my sub-mission to the single gal working at Starbucks who gets weekly facials and has time to go to the gym. Submission means I humble myself to hear from God about what sub-mission He has called me to.

As a woman who has ridden the roller coaster of Submission Struggle, I can say with complete peace and confidence that there is no place I’d rather bethan resting in the perfect design of my Heavenly Father alongside the man God chose for the job. Phil is the man I willingly submit to because my heart ultimately hopes in God.

Surreptitious Subversion

As a strong-willed, stubborn young wife, I had a miniscule view of God’s design for marriage including Phil’s role as leader, along with an inflated view of myself. I clearly remember deciding that he was incapable of providing for me at a financial level that included regular Nordstrom shopping sprees so I took matters into my own hands. I secretly joined a multi-level marketing business that promised a fortune. Feeling exhilarated and sick at the same time, I knew it wasn’t supposed to be this way – a wife is supposed to trust her husband and share openly with him about her dreams and fears. But I had bought into the world’s lie that I must not become dependent on any man. I believed I could do it better. You can give it your best shot, Phil, but my plan is in play in case you screw it up.

“Phil couldn’t lead me because I wouldn’t trust God to lead me.”

Ultimately, what was revealed in my heart was a deep seated lack of submission to God that manifested itself in a manipulative maneuver behind my husband’s back. The problem that arose at the marriage level simply belied my rebellious heart toward God. James 4:7 lays it out clearly, “Submit yourselves therefore to God.” Phil couldn’t lead me because I wouldn’t trust God to lead me. The strongest man on the planet cannot force an unsubmissive woman to be led.

Strength, Softness, and the Spirit

As I allowed God to change my heart, I began to see submission as one of the most beautiful qualities in a woman. No longer vying with Phil for top billing in our marriage, I began to understand the gift that God’s plan of submission is to women. Submission was put in place by God to free us to exercise both strength and softness. Submitting my heart and life to God takes every bit of my effort empowered by God’s abundant grace. Strength under the control of the Holy Spirit chooses to submit to and depend on Phil for leadership and provision. Softness emerges as the rough edges of independence and rebellion yield to the control of another.

All of my strengths and talents are poured out in submission. Jesus’ life was poured out in submission on the cross. As Dave Harvey says, “To empty oneself in the service of a man is an arresting illustration of the Savior’s heart and life.” I exemplify Jesus beautifully when I lay down my time, my life, my interests – first for God and then for Phil.

Jen is a deacon at the Ballard campus. She last wrote for this blog about marriage lessons she learned on the dance floor.

I Peter 3:1, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands.”

It does not say that women should submit to men. It says that wives should submit to their husbands. We are talking about one woman submitting to one man. … You only need to trust one guy, that is all. We are not asking for more than that.

This also does not negate the equality of husbands and wives, again they are both image bearers of God. … There is equality and deference and respect, and that is the way God has ordered the world … Now what we mean by “be subject to” or “submit to” is that the husband is to lovingly humbly, sacrificiously, selflessly –let me put lots of words behind this– lead his family. And that the wife is to respect him and follow his leadership. This is not chauvinism. He is very clear that he is against chauvinism. We read elsewhere in Ephesians 5:25 that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. This is sacrificial, humble, selfless leadership.

–Pastor Mark
Trial, Part 9: “”http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/trial/marriage-and-women">Marriage and Women (I Peter 3:1-6)"