Yesterday, we looked at Mars Hill's doctrinal position on God. Today, we're discussing another one of our church's core positions, complementarianism, however, from the experiential side by hearing from Phil and Jen about what complementarianism and submission mean practically in their marriage. For a more theological discussion, see this post or any one of our many, many sermons.

by Pastor Phil Smidt

I am married to a strong, influential woman. Thankfully, God didn’t require my wife to check her smarts, gifts, abilities, and personality at the door when she married me. Instead, he brought us together so we could leverage our calling, roles, and strengths.

In Which the Husband Submits

God’s design for marriage begins with submission by the husband. He willingly stops trusting himself and instead trusts God with his life, loving and leading his wife accordingly. He brings himself under the authority of a Gospel-driven church so he can learn and serve. Early in our marriage, I didn’t know how to lead. Jen was driven, and talented … I hit the jackpot! I could sit back, watch SportsCenter, eat chocolate shakes, and let her take charge and get things done. Unwilling to leave us in darkness, God interrupted. We both repented, and Jen got honest. She told me she felt more loved and protected when I led boldly and decisively and inserted myself into her life. This meant I needed to lead by thinking more highly of her than of myself. I needed to put her interests before my own, just like Christ did for me. That’s why I drive the clunker and she gets the nicer car. Even after I’ve have had a long, hard week, I give her a day off. I ensure she knows I adore her by making intentional time to go on dates, weekends without kids and daily time to connect. I ask her what she needs and how I am leading.

Completion, Not Competition.

Just as headship in marriage does not mean superior, more qualified, or tyrannical, submission does not mean diminished, oppressed, or weak. Men and women are both created in the image and likeness of God and equally receive his grace and forgiveness. But equal does not mean same. The roles and wiring of husband and wife are different and complementary; they are not meant to be in direct competition with each other. Nothing distorts God’s purpose for marriage than competing spouses. Early on, I abdicated leadership and Jen gladly competed with me by taking charge. Through God’s redemptive power, we have learned to appreciate and enjoy our differences, help the other in their weakness and utilize our strengths. This means when my family wants cookies, I bake them. Mine are better than Jen’s. I follow the recipe to a T – she doesn’t bother. She does, however, add the spontaneous spark of fun to our family that helps create lasting memories. She rallied our family to attempt our first camping trip when our daughter was barely crawling. Despite my reservation, and Ellie consuming much dirt, we had an amazing time. Jen does not complete me. That would be an unbearable load to place upon her. Marriage has exposed in both of us just how incomplete we are without Jesus. He is the only one that can fill the gaping hole in our hearts. He is the source of our oneness and completion. What does redemption look like in our marriage today? We work together as a team to move our family in a godly direction. I don’t make a major decision without consulting and considering Jen’s input but ultimately I provide the direction, vision, and authority.

What It Looks Like

Biblically, I am created and called to lead. Practically, because I recognize I need help and I want our family to thrive, Jen is my primary influencer, confidant, and ally. In our marriage, Jen’s submission to me is both an obedient and yielding gift to God and a humble gift to me when:

She speaks.

She will confront me with the Gospel and ask hard questions, but it is always done between just the two of us. When I am not leading well, she lovingly and respectfully lets me know and asks me to pray and lead. She does not freak out and try to take charge.

She supports.

A few years ago I was doing a wedding the same day we received some disturbing news from extended family in addition to being mired in a difficult situation at work. Distracted and preoccupied, I left for the wedding, and she left to take the kids to a piano recital. At the church, I walked out on the stage wondering how to get through the wedding ceremony, and saw the last thing I expected to see: she was sitting there in the crowd with a warm smile of encouragement. There were two beaming brides in attendance that day. She showed up for me that day tangibly showing delivering grace and love to me by submitting her agenda and supporting my call. I was able to officiate the wedding with joy and confidence, celebrating both their marriage and mine.

She supplements.

Jen contributes her gifts and creativity to maximize our marriage and our family’s effectiveness at home and for the gospel. For example, I mentioned to her "Jen let’s write a blog together on submission." Fifteen minutes later, she was done with her part and asked if she could help me. I welcome her strengths as a supplement to my areas of weakness. My submission to Christ results in Jen’s willing submission to me. She knows she can trust God which frees her to trust me as she sees my life under the authority of Christ. This hasn’t always come perfectly easily and smoothly for her. I’ll let her tell the story. Stay tuned later today for Jen's side of things. Phil and Jen are a pastor and deacon, respectively, at the Ballard campus.