There are few more heart-revealing moments than when our husbands sin against us. Invariably, each of wives has faced or will face one of these scenarios:

• Your husband has just confessed sexual or financial sin.
• He pursues his career with passion but leaves you and the kids lonely.
• His angry words pierce you to the core.
• His bitterness and unbelief toward God leak into his whole life.

We walk a fine line trying to know how to respond. The pain leaves us asking questions that may not have answers: Will he ever change? Can I trust him? How can I guarantee he won’t hurt me again?

Daughter First, Wife Second

Cynicism abounds as we wonder how God could leave us unprotected. Anger, fear, and anxiety leap to the surface as we desperately try to find our footing. We ask ourselves who we can trust to lead us when the supposed “leader” is in sin. If our value is tied to his purity, we will be devastated. If our security is grounded in his affection and attention, we will be shaken. If our faith rides the coattails of his, we will find ourselves drowning in unbelief. If our husband is our rock, we may be crushed by him.

As a Christian woman, while we are “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24) with this man, our lives are also hidden with Christ (Col 3:3) Regardless of which event happened first, the moment you were welcomed into God’s family as a daughter supersedes the day you became wife. The core of the issue is that forgiveness and grace in a marriage finds its hope and source in Jesus alone. We cannot expect perfection from our husbands; we can from Christ.

What to Do

So what does a wife do when her husband is caught in sin?

Pray

You cannot demand, manipulate, plead, or cry your husband into repentance. The Holy Spirit alone grants godly sorrow and places conviction upon the heart. Ask for the Spirit’s help and persevere in prayer.

Humble yourself

While it is tempting to turn up your volume and intensity when your husband sins, remember who you both are: sinners desperately in need of rescue. Examine if you are in sin, too.

Personify grace

A soft heart and a kind response to your husband’s sin leaves him face to face with his God. Trust that God can and will change him more fully than you ever could.

Be honest

After you have prayed through your emotions with God (vent to him first—he can handle it!) be honest with your husband about how his sin impacts you and the repercussions of his sin on your relationship.

Surround yourself with godly influence and counsel

You may not be objective in evaluating your husband’s sin on your own. If he is stuck in a pattern of habitual sin, has hurt or threatened to hurt you or anyone, you need help. Tell another godly man whom you trust (friend’s husband, pastor, other leader) who can confront your husband. We are not asked to submit to a husband whose heart is bent on destruction, but you cannot make that call alone.

Cry out to God

If a wife demands iron-clad guarantees from her husband that he will never sin again, she is expecting a promise that even she cannot deliver. She can, instead, cry out to God. In Psalm 77, the psalmist’s heart is broken and he cries out to God. His soul refuses to be comforted, but in the darkness of his anguish, his spirit makes a diligent search and asks five questions:

1. Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable?
2. Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
3. Are his promises at an end for all time?
4. Has God forgotten to be gracious?
5. Has he in anger shut up his compassion?

These questions have answers. The answers to these questions translate into practical comfort for a wife who is facing the pain and hurt of her husbands’ sin, be it emotional, physical, verbal or sexual:

• “Oh give thanks to the LORD , for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!” 1 Chronicles 16:34
• “He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry.” Isaiah 30:19
• “For all the promises of God find their Yes in him.” 2 Corinthians 1:20
• “All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.” 2 Corinthians 5:18
• “For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Thessalonians 5:9

Same answers every time, from thousands of years ago when the psalmist asked to today when the lonely, grief-stricken wife asks.

Some of my scariest moments as a wife have been when my husband has struggled. Those have also been some of my most intimate encounters with Jesus.

God is the rock on which our hope must rest. May we take those uncertain moments to pour out confidence in the grace and certainty of Christ to our husbands. They’re opportunities to to draw near to her rock and Redeemer and show our husbands that the love of Christ can sustain us both. 

Jen Smidt is a deacon at the Ballard church.