I did not grow up observing a respectful marriage. Sadly, it was the total opposite of respect. I come from a long line of failed marriages, domestic violence, resentment, and passivity in my family. When Justin and I married six years ago we discussed ways to love and respect each other as intended by God. We wanted to love each other well, honor God in doing so, and break the generational sins I witnessed growing up.

Respect Is a Calling

Biblically, respect refers to the fear a person should have before God, a reverence and respect. (Luke 1:5, 18:2; Acts 10:35; 1 Peter 2:17; Revelation 14:7, 19:5). This type of reverence and regard for God should characterize the relationship between husband and wives in marriage. Ephesians 5:33 specifically calls wives to respect their husbands: “ . . . let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Just as Christ gave himself up for the church in loving self-sacrifice, husbands are called to lay down their lives for their wives to guarantee that they find their marriage a source of rich fulfillment and joyful service to God. However, because of sin, what manifests can be hostile domination in some men and lazy apathy in others.

Wives are entrusted with a responsibility to love their husbands by accepting and respecting his role as servant leader and husband. This is modeled on Christ’s headship over the church. There are many temptations with regard to respecting your husband, but the most common is to avoid or emasculate him.

Respect Is a Fruit

A biblical understanding of respect is not one of dread or fright for the wife. It does not mean being his doormat. Respect is not conditional or merit-based. Being a wife who respects her husband isn’t a chore or duty for which we muster our strength to get done. Rather, this “respect” is the fruit of the Spirit. It’s easier to respect your husband when he is obedient to Ephesians 5:33 and loves you as he loves himself, but wives are called to respect our husbands even when they do not fulfill Ephesians 5:33. In calling wives to respect their husbands, God invites wives to allow their husbands to love and provide for them, and to trust that God will care for them even when their husbands fail.

Respect for your husband does not mean subjecting yourself to physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse. The respectful thing to do in those instances is to call the police and tell the elders of the church. Your husband is under the authority of both of both the church and state, and there are consequences for these actions.

Respect for Your Best Friend

Respect ultimately relates how you interact with your best friend. Men and women were created equal by God, in his image, to be co-heirs of the eternal kingdom. We were created with different roles and responsibilities, but both called to respect each other, “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). For wives, having a greater understanding of ways to respect our husbands re-aligns us with what God originally intended for us. 

Here are 12 practical ways to respect your husband:

1. Tell him you respect him. Be specific about what you respect.

2. Apologize when you’re wrong. Expect him to apologize when he’s wrong.

3. Ask his opinion. Include him in your decisions and thoughts.

4. Pray earnestly for your husband. Some may be prone to instruct, and it can become nagging when it gets to a certain point.

5. Speak kindly and lovingly of your husband in front of family, kids, and friends.

6. Affirm every good thing that you see about him. Be verbally affirming of the work of grace in your husband’s life.

7. Listen to him—don’t dismiss him.

8. Be aware of the power of the tongue: ladies, we can be passive aggressive, snippy, sarcastic, and make snide remarks and criticize.

9. Have high expectations of him. God does, and so should you.

10. Let him know what you’re thinking and feeling. This fosters trust and healthy communication.

11. Ask God to show you how to care for and love your husband well.

12. Be honest and repent to God and your husband if you don’t respect him. And ask God to cultivate the fruit of the spirit in your life.

Lindsey Holcomb is a deacon at the Ballard church.