There are some – a couple seats over on the side, if you guys need a seat. Just keep praying for a new building. [Microphone feedback] I won’t go that far. Notes are on the back table. This week we’re gonna deal with covenant and headship. It’s been an issue that’s kicked-around Mars Hill for a while. I wanted to clarify some things. I’ll pray, and then we’ll get going.

Father God, thank you for a chance to study your word. We ask that you would send the Holy Spirit to illuminate the scriptures, and to instruct us. Thank you, Lord God, that the spirit who inspired the authoring of your word also dwells within your children, and is there to teach them, and loves to do so. And so, Lord God, please give us heart to learn and minds to perceive, and wills to just live out what it is that you’ve given us. Lord God, thank you so much for the scriptures, and thank you for some people to examine it with. In Christ’s name: Amen.

As we’ve been studying the book of Proverbs, as you read in your notes there you will be amazed at the number of times in Proverbs that it speaks about the home and the family; because wisdom begins at home. And wisdom is supposed to begin with mom and dad. And mom and dad are supposed to be wise, and then impart wisdom to the children. And so you’ll hear it repeatedly throughout Proverbs, the father saying, you know, “Listen to your father’s instruction, or listen to your father and mother’s instruction.” And on a few occasions he tells us that the wisdom that he has to pass on to his own children was given him by his own mother and father. So, this is supposed to be an extended family, multi-generational issue. So, what I’m going to need to do then is I’m going to need to back-up and talk about a Christian family.

Most of Proverbs centers around a Biblical family. The problem is today, even though we have Christian families, we still don’t have Biblical families. It is possible for two Christians to get married and to have a family that does not reflect scripture. In the same way, it is possible for someone who is a Christian to live in sin and to do the wrong thing. And I will tell you, my premise today is simply this: You have been lied to. You have been lied to. And sometimes, if you hear a lie before you hear the truth, the truth sounds like a lie because it’s not what you have previously known. What I’m gonna ask you to do today is to assume that you’ve been lied to, and at least give me the benefit of the doubt. Multiple lies have been told you. One of the greatest lies is that the foundation of all relationships with us and another, and with us and God is love. The foundation of all relationships is not love. That’s a lie. That’s a lie.

The foundation of all relationships is covenant, and love comes out of a covenant. And so we need to talk about a covenant. It’s the word that’s used in Proverbs 2 to talk about this family, this home. It’s a covenant. And I was listening to a pastor this week and he made a good point on this issue. He says that the Holy Spirit appears about 100 times in scripture. The word “Covenant” appears about 300 times. Most of us know a lot more about things like the Holy Spirit than we do about something called “A covenant.” Not saying that just because it appears more than the Holy Spirit it’s more important, but if it’s in there 300 times it’s obviously very important. And God is a covenant-making God, and we are supposed to be a covenant-making people.
And a covenant is this: It is a – it’s a particular and a peculiar relationship that one enters into whereby two people are bound together, or multiple people are bound together, so that they’re one. Okay? Our relationship with God is a covenant. We’re bound with him. And so we are in Christ, and Christ is in us. In the same way a husband and a wife are supposed to be bound together in the covenant of marriage. You see covenants throughout scripture. I’ve got a number of them in your notes. A couple of the things that you’ll see with all of God’s covenants is, he says, “I will be your God. You will be my people. And I will forgive your sins.” That’s the heart of God’s covenant with us. He forgives our sins, and he becomes our God, and we become his children. In addition, the opposite of a covenant is a contractual relationship.

I’m not saying that contracts are, in and of themselves, bad or evil. In business or something of that nature contracts work fine. But, not in intimate, loving unions and relationships. A covenant is un-ending and un-broken. God says even when we are faithless that he is faithful. But a contract is contingent, and it – it basically has two parties negotiating terms. When they hit those terms, if you break one of the terms of the contract, then the relationship is over. Meaning, if your boss ceased paying you, you would not go to work anymore, because that relationship is contractual. There are sides, and if they break their side, you break your side. You’re not bound and obligated. A marriage doesn’t work that way. Neither does a relationship with God. It is not contractual.

Some people have their marriages work that way, and it’s wicked. Contracts and covenants are different. In scripture, there are different kinds of covenants, and each covenant has a head; the person that is over that covenant, and sort of everyone under then is implicated in their decisions. Before we get there, if have some seats and you could scoot in or over, that would be great; so we could squeeze-in some folks. There’s some up here. There’s two right here; room for the baby. There’s room all over.

A couple covenants in the scriptures. First, God makes a covenant with Noah. God makes a covenant with Abraham. God makes a covenant with Moses. God makes a covenant with David. As covenant heads, everyone under them is implicated: All the people in David’s kingdom; all the people in Israel under Moses; all the people on the earth that were flooded in the days of Noah. They were all implicated in those covenants. There’s two particular covenants that I wanna emphasize. One is the Adamic covenant. And is says in Hosea 6:7 that Adam forgot, or transgressed, or rebelled against his covenant relationship with God. It tells us in Romans 5:12-21 that, because of Adam’s sin, we’ve all sinned. That as one man sinned, the whole race fell. And the issue is: “Well, if Adam sinned, how come that involves me?” It’s because he’s our head. He’s the head of the covenant. When Adam does something, it implicates the rest of us. In the same way, if the President of the United States of America decides to send all the bombs and his arsenal to Seattle, his decision implicates the rest of us because he is the head of our nation. When someone in a position of headship does something, it implicates everyone who is under them. Adam was the head of the human race. He was in a covenant relationship with God. And we now are born in Adam. Psalm 51 says that we’re conceived and born from our mother’s womb in sin.

We don’t need to do anything to be sinners, we just need to breathe. That’s all we need. As long as we’re alive, we’re sinners. It says in 1 Corinthians 15 as well, that in Adam the whole race fell, but in Jesus the whole race was redeemed. And so, there’s basically two covenants that I wanna emphasize. One is the Adamic covenant, where all of us were in Adam and Adam was in us, and Adam voted on all of our behalves. And we would’ve voted the exact same way as Adam. In fact, we do every single day. And so we have all sinned. But in Jesus there’s a new covenant whereby everything that was lost in Adam is regained in Jesus Christ. All of the sin is taken care of. It’s atoned for. It’s paid for.

And so, this new covenant has as its head, Jesus. And so, every single one of us is in one of two covenants. Some people says, “Well, I’m not covenanted, and I don’t wanna be in a covenant.” You are. You have no choice. You have no choice. You are either in Adam – you say, “Well, I didn’t vote for that.” You didn’t have to. That’s a freebee. You just get be an enemy of God for nothing. Congratulations. That’s just something you get. Now, you’re either that, or you’re in covenant relationship with Jesus. Some people say, “Well, I don’t want Adam to pick on my behalf.” Well, do you want Jesus to pick on your behalf? ‘Cause see, we don’t pick our covenants. Our covenants really pick us, and the covenant heads pick us. And so Adam has voted for all of us, and Jesus has redeemed us and brought us into covenant relationship with him. And that’s the new covenant, the covenant of love and grace and forgiveness of sins.

That to say, marriage is also a covenant, because covenants can exist between people and God, and also between people and each other. I’ll read for you from Proverbs 2:16, and Malachi 2:14. First is says, “It,” which is the fear of the Lord that produces wisdom, “will save you from the adulterous and from the wayward wife with her seductive words, who has left the partner of her youth and ignored the covenant that she made before God.” Marriage is a covenant. Malachi 2:14, “The Lord is acting as a witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her. Though she is the partner – she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.” These guys married non-Christians they never should’ve married. They said, “Well, we want out. We’re tired of being married to non-Christians.” And God says, “Well, that’s your covenant wife. You married her. You can’t just trade-in your wife because she doesn’t know God. She didn’t know God when you married her. And those were the terms of the covenant that you walked into. And so you are obligated and bound to the terms of that covenant.

And so covenants have terms, and covenants have consequences for the breaking of the terms of the covenant. All that to say, marriage is a covenant, and that’s exactly the theme of what we’re going to talk about today. And like every other covenant, marriage has a head. Every covenant that God ever made, someone was the head who was responsible for that covenant. Marriage is no different. Some of you say, “Well, I’m single. This doesn’t pertain to me.” It’s important to know this before you get married. Very important. It will affect who you marry, and it’ll affect how your marriage goes. God can, and God does redeem. And sometimes divorce is sadly necessary. That’s not the theme today. But my point is simply this for all this single people: There are thousands of other Christians that are in the exact same place that you are. They were there at one occasion. They got married thinking they would live happily ever after, and they didn’t.

And there’s a reason for that. Part of that is a misunderstanding of our covenant. Part of that is a misunderstanding of headship. Part of that is a misunderstanding of the gospel. So, my goal is not just to get a lot of single people married, but it’s to keep them married and keep them happily married; and to keep them married in a covenant that reflects the gospel. We, in this church have done – I’ve done pre-marital counseling for over 100 couples in the last five years. We – we specialize in marriage, and in child rearing. There are kids everywhere. It’s beautiful. It’s great. I love it. But, my biggest fear is, if you get married without knowing what that’s all about, all marriage does is it very much exploits your weaknesses; it does not solve them. A lot of people say, “Well, I have these deficiencies in my character. I’ll get married, and that’ll fix it.” No, no, it won’t.

It’ll just exploit them and exponentially increase them. And so we’re gonna talk about how the family needs to be ordered so that there can be wisdom. First of all, this is not an issue of culture. Some of you say, “Well – oh, he’s just arguing for traditional values.” I’m not a very traditional guy. I don’t think that yesterday was necessarily better than today. I think that scripture is better than today, but not yesterday. And so it begins in Genesis where God creates everything. He declares that it is good. He looks at the man who is in perfect relationship with him, sin has not entered the world, and he says that it is not good for the man to be alone. That’s our first premise. Men should not be single. They get themselves in trouble, and they screw-up the rest of our lives. Most of our taxes are going to make-up for things that men are doing. They are in prison. They are not raising their children. 40-percent of kids tonight will go to be without a father.

There’s a lot of – men are still the head. That’s my point. They’re still in charge, and they still dominate. And you say, “Well, I don’t dominate. I just left.” Well, you still dominate in your absence. If you don’t raise your kids, you’re dominating their lives. If you don’t love her wife, you’re dominating her life. If you’re a delinquent who is just sort of ruining everything around you, you are dominating, and you are influencing everyone because you’re a head. And so, it begins in Genesis. God says it’s not good for the man to be alone. And part of it is, I think, because God loves the man and knows the man will get himself in trouble; just play video games; and dink around on his car; and spend all his money on concerts; and sitting around watching things he shouldn’t watch on cable. Part of that is potentially for Adam that he cannot show-forth the image and likeness of God all by himself. He can’t live-out the creation mandate that we looked at a few weeks ago, “Be fruitful. Increase in number. Fill the earth and subdue it.”
A guy can’t do that all by himself in his apartment. He’s gonna need a wife and some kids to get that done. So, God tells the man, “You need a wife. You need kids. You need to be a husband. You need to be a father.” So then, God creates a woman, and she is told to be the helper that is suitable; meaning she’s a fit for the man; she’s a compliment. That issue of helper, a lot of feminists hate that term. Biblically, it’s a beautiful term. It’s used throughout the scriptures, Psalms and Hebrews, to talk about, “The Lord is my helper.” In the New Testament it refers to the Holy Spirit. The helper. The Holy Spirit helps us.

So, as we’re gonna study, then man needs to look like Jesus, God the Father’s still in charge, and the woman’s supposed to look like the Holy Spirit. Now, I hope none of you would look at the Holy Spirit and say, “Well, that’s the weak, passive, sort of dominant/competent member of the trinity. That’s the one that always sort of trips things up.” That’s not the way that it is. The Holy Spirit brings illumination, wisdom, power, support. You and I would not have a Bible. We could not understand the Bible. We couldn’t be convicted of sin. There’s a lot of things we couldn’t do without the ministry of the Holy Spirit. In the same way, the man cannot honor and glorify God fully and show-forth the image and likeness of God fully all by himself. He needs a woman, his compliment.

And so, as the spirit is to the son, so the woman is to the man. From there, it goes into Genesis 3 where Adam and Eve are in the garden. Scripture tells us in 2 Corinthians 11 that Eve was deceived. Satan comes and they have a conversation, and she becomes deceived. And like most nice women, she didn’t mean to screw-up the world, but she still did. She meant well. All the women say, “Well, that’s offensive.” Well, yes it is, but it’s true, and that’s the way that it is; that most women who are making a mess of things really are trying to help. You’ll see this in marriage. You’ll see men aren’t doing their job, and so the women are trying to help. And the more they help the less the men do, and the bigger the mess becomes. We’re gonna get into that in Ephesians 5.

So, what happens is she sins, and Adam is standing there doing, saying nothing. Some men think that God has put them on this earth for one reason: Not to do any really bad things. Okay? I’ll ask the men. Did God put you here so that you wouldn’t do really bad things? Is that your goal? It’s not your goal. Your goal is to do good things, which is harder than not doing bad things. Some men think, “I’m godly.” Why? “I haven’t killed, raped anyone today, at all.” Well, congratulations, but that’s not necessarily godliness. Godliness is doing something, not just ceasing to do bad things, but starting to do things that are noble, worth-while and good. And so, God comes into the garden after the woman has sinned. The man has been doing nothing, just sitting there quiet, watching Satan and his wife butcher the word of God. And God comes looking for them, and he calls out for whom? The man. “Adam? Where are you?” Because, even though Eve was deceived, having the conversation, at the fruit first, handed it to her husband who was there with her, Adam was in charge. He was the head. He was the head. In the same way, if your son shoots all the windows out in my house, I will not go to your house and have a meeting with him. I will be looking for the man who runs the family and the home. And I will be looking for his credit card. That’s what I will be looking for.
Because, even though his son did something it’s still his responsibility as long as he is over his son. And that’s the whole point of headship. Headship is responsibility. Men hate headship because they hate to be responsible for anything. It continues in Genesis 5:2. It reflects back on creation. It’s a creation issue. It’s not just a cultural issue. God ordered the world this way. And it says that he created the male and female, and he called the whole human race what? Man, or Adam; it’s the same word. Genesis 5:2. So, God looks at men and women and says, “That is man.” You say, “Well, how can he call man and woman, ‘Man’?” Because the man is the head. In the same way today, when a woman gets married she takes her husband’s last name.

That’s why I hate translations of the Bible that we have now that go through and they take out God as Father; he’s creator. They take out Jesus as son; he’s redeemer. They take out mankind, and they put in humankind; or person-kind. They’re trying to eliminate the responsibility of the men. And that is not Biblical. It continues in 1 Timothy 2, a creation issue. I’ll read this to you. “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.” This is in the church. “I do not permit a woman to teach, or to have authority over men.” That’s a pastor. “She must be silent. For Adam was formed first, and Adam was not the one deceived. It was the woman who was deceived and because a sinner.” So, it’s an issue of creation. God made the man, put him in charge, gave him a job description, gave him a duty to do, and the woman was given to help him. And so she is not to rule over him.

And some of you are saying, “Well, this doesn’t sound fair.” The Bible is not fair. The Bible is just. 1 Corinthians 11, that’s where we’re going to spend a lot of time. If you would, flip to 1 Corinthians 11. I will hit this issue extra hard and extra long, because you have all been lied to. And I’ll tell you this as well. Some people will hear me teaching this subject and they’ll say, “Well, he’s just mean. He likes to do this.” You would not believe the long list of people that this has cost me. We have lost hundreds of people over this doctrine. I’m preaching it again because we’re full and we need the seats. 1 Corinthians 11:2 – 1 Corinthians 11:2 – so this is my way of freeing-up some parking.

I’ll tell you as you’re flipping to 1 Corinthians 11:2, the Corinthian church is a complete mess. A lot of people say, “I wish we could go back to the 1st century church and be like them.” No, you don’t. No, you don’t. Paul opens Corinthians. He says, “I praise God for the grace that has been given to you.” That is not a compliment. That is not a compliment. If I walked up to you and I said, “I’m amazed at the amount of grace that God has extended to you,” you should not – you should not say, “Well, praise the Lord. I’m so honored.” Where there is much sin there is much grace. If you get much grace it’s because there’s much sin. And so in Corinthians you find they’re getting drunk at communion. They are suing each other. They’re sleeping with prostitutes. And one guy has pulled a full-on Jerry Springer. He’s sleeping with either his mother or his mother-in-law, and the church is like, “Well, they love each other. Who are we to judge?”

And Paul’s like, “I’ll judge. That’s sick. You’re freaks. Knock that off.” And part of it in Corinth is they had a misunderstanding of gender, male and female. And so he writes to correct that issue in 1 Corinthians 11:2, “I praise you for remembering me in everything and for holding to the teachings just as I passed them on to you. Now, I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God, or God the Father.” Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna set-up a hierarchy. Some of you are like, “I hate authority.” Only if you’re in rebellion do you hate authority. So, that’s nothing wrong with authority, that’s something wrong with you. The authority is this: Who is ultimate head, according to Paul? God the Father. And then? Jesus. And then? The man. And then? The woman. Don’t you love that? I love that.

The problem is when a man says he’s the head but he’s not under Jesus Christ and God the Father. That’s chauvinism. That’s a dictator. That’s a man who is worthless. He wants to be king, but he does not want to be under the king. That’s a real problem. Let me ask you this. Some women say, “I don’t wanna submit to my husband.” The question is: Are you better than Jesus? Did Jesus yield himself to the Father? Of course he did. You think of anywhere in scripture where Jesus says something like, “I don’t come to do my will, but the will of him who sent me. I don’t speak my words; I only speak what the Father has given me. Not my will, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. If this cup of suffering could be taken from me that would be great, but not my will, your will be done.” Jesus continually yields himself, submits himself to God the Father; continually. It’s – it’s the pattern all the way through the gospels. Read John’s gospel that we just finished this last year. You’ll see it on almost every page. It’s there all the time.

So, in our culture people say, “Well, I don’t wanna submit to any authority.” Well, Jesus did. And we’re not better than Jesus, and we’re certainly not smarter. And so, what this should be is the woman respects the man, the man respects Jesus, and Jesus respects the Father. Ultimately then, the only authority that a man has is given to him directly from God the Father. He doesn’t have any authority apart from God. Which means, if the man is in sin, and he’s telling the woman to do something that is against Jesus, she need not obey him; because he is not her final head. Jesus is. It says in 1 Peter 5, that Jesus Christ is the chief shepherd, he’s the senior pastor. I have to submit to him. He’s the senior pastor at Mars Hill. The elders have to submit to him. That every man is to be under authority, and every man is to exercise his authority over others with love and respect, judiciously.

So, this is the hierarchy that God sets-up. Some women don’t like authority. Some men don’t like authority. But, I’ll tell you what. In a church where they elders do not respect Jesus and the scriptures, you’ll find that the men are just rebellious like their elders, and that the women are rebellious like their husbands, and that the children are rebellious like their mothers. And then nothing looks like the gospel and there’s no order in the home. And ours is not a God of disorder, he’s a God of order. He’s not a God of chaos. What inevitably happens then is the children dishonor their mother and father, the mother dishonors the husband, the husband dishonors God. And that family is destined for destruction, because it has given the enemy a foothold. And we all are in a covenant. We’re either working out Adam or Jesus, life or death. So, we’ll continue in 1 Corinthians 11.

This has practical implications, very practical implications for headship. “Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head.” He’s using contrast here of literal head and metaphorical head. “And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head. It is just as though her head were shaved.” If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off. And it is – if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut off or shaved, she should cover her head. “A man ought not to cover his head since he’s the image and glory of God, but the woman is the glory of man. For man did not come from woman, but woman from man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. For this reason, and because of the angels, women ought to have a sign of authority on her head.” I’ll tease this out. There’s a lot here.

First, we’ll work backwards. He says, “You know, we’ve been through this before. We had this problem with angels. We had a problem where angels didn’t want to submit to God’s authority. They didn’t wanna be under God’s headship. And they decided that maybe they should just do their own thing and go their own way.” That was Satan. Those are demons. That same conflict that we had in the heavenlies has now spilled down to the earthly. The same thing that the angels did is the same thing that they’re enticing the men and women to do, which is dishonor their head: God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. And to do whatever they want, whatever’s right in their own eyes. He says, “Now, because of this, we need to go back to creation, and we need to start where God started with us, and what we were made for. And it is not that the man was made for the woman; that the woman leads the home, and makes the money, and leads the charge. And that he is the domestic keeper of the domain, and that he comes along to aid her. In fact, it’s just the opposite. That God has created the man to initiate and lead, and that the woman is supposed to be helpful with him.” We’ll get into that in Ephesians 5.

And so that the woman was created to help the man. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. Now, the way this should be, we should be able to look at the Christian women and we should be able to see this. And we should be able to look at the Christian men and we should be able to see this. In that culture, there was a way that women showed this. Okay, and I’ll tell you, in scripture there are two things, there’s principles and methods. The principle is that a woman should have a sign of authority if she is married. The method may vary from culture to culture. Some people will say, “Well, this is cultural. Let’s just chuck it out.” Everything from Genesis to Revelation is cultural, because it is not in English, it is not in the United States of America, and it is not in the 21st century. So, if you only accept things that are American, English, 21st century, then you can just keep the cover to your Bible and dismiss the rest. And some are doing that, at their peril. God works in human history. I’ll give you an example of how this principle and method works itself out.

It says in the scriptures, multiple times in the New Testament, to greet one another with a holy kiss. Okay? If you come up and you be Biblical with me, I will preach your funeral if you kiss me on the lips. If you’re a man who comes up and lays one on me and then quotes a verse, that will not go over well. Because what you are doing is you are – you are – you are keeping the principle, but the method is actually violating the principle. What is the principle? For Christians, we see each other in church, we should greet each other with warm, loving affection. Okay? The method needs to fit where we’re at. If you walk up to somebody and kiss them, they will not think that you’re being Biblical and loving them as Christ loves them.

What that means is we need to find a – a way to carry the principle forward, not just dismissing it. Saying, “What’s the principle?” And then, “What’s the method.” Right? Method in our culture would be what? How would you greet one another warmly, with loving affection? A handshake. A nice male, heterosexual, shoulder-to-shoulder hug. One of those. For a man, that’s tremendous intimacy. For a man, this is Will and Grace. We don’t do that. We don’t do that. Shoulder-to-shoulder? We’ll do that. Guy will do that. Principle and method. In this culture that we’re talking about in Corinth, women who had respect for their father or respect for their husband would put a covering on their head. I’ve heard some people say, “Well, isn’t that foolish that they did that?” I’ll tell you what. If I walked into a church today and I saw the women with head-coverings, what would I think? I could say two things. I could say, “Well, those are foolish women. They’re just outdated and naïve.” Or I could say, “I may disagree with the method, but at least these are women that are reading their Bible and trying to do what it says.” So, I respect them for that.

I would much rather have a woman who took the Bible too seriously. If I had to pick an error, I would probably say, “Well, it does say that, and you may have confused principle and method, but at least you’re reading the Bible and trying to be Biblical. I honor that. I respect that.” So, I’m not going to critique women who wear head-coverings. I won’t do that. I will not say that all you women need to wear head-coverings, but what I am saying is that there should be a showing. In this culture, there is only one kind of woman who took her head-covering off. Who was that? That was the prostitute. She would say, “Well, I don’t have a dad that I respect. I don’t have a husband that I respect. I’m a free-wheeling, independent, ‘90s sort of gal. I get to do whatever I like.” And all the men would say, “Good. She’s an easy target. That’s the one you go for. She’s cheap and quick.”

Paul says, “You know, when you see women, you shouldn’t mistake the Christian women for those women.” In addition, there was a temple that was there in Corinth that would have up to 1,000 sexual prostitutes on call for worship. It’s about the only church growth strategy that the modern evangelical church has not yet tried, is prostitution. But, we’re pretty close, because we prostituted God. All that’s left is to prostitute each other. And what happened was, you’d walk into that church, and then you’d pay money, and you’d get to have sex. And that was church.

And the women there, the men would have long hair and they would be very effeminate and gay, and the women would shave their head. See, we think we’re very hip. Capitol Hill has nothing on Corinth. Nothing on Corinth. Corinth had the same thing. So Paul says, “When you look at a Christian woman, she should show that she respects her dad, or her husband.” In this culture, I’ll ask the young ladies whom are single, if you’re single and you wanna show disrespect for God the Father, disrespect for Jesus Christ, disrespect for your own dad, what are the demarcations, the things you could show outwardly to indicate that you’re sort of loose and free and rebellious? Are there any things a young woman could do to send those signals? What are they? Clothing and lack thereof. Right? Underwear is not outer-wear for women.

That if a woman wears a very low-cut blouse, she does not wear a bra, she wears a very short-cut skirt, and she carries herself with just sort of this open folly, men will look at her and not see a woman that they say, “Oh, well, we shouldn’t seek to take her to bed and dishonor her, because she loves the Lord.” That’s not what they’re thinking. They’re going, “Well, if she put bait on the hook, apparently she’s looking for fish, and I’m just that kind of shark.” How about a married woman? From the married women, anything you can do to show outwardly that you totally dishonor God and your husband? Part of it is clothing. You ever seen a woman who goes to a club and takes her wedding ring off? Some of you guys have met those women. I would say, principles and methods, methods may change, principles never do. But any woman who – if you meet a woman at a club and she’s just got a few drinks in her, and she’s just hardly wearing any clothes, and she has no wedding ring on, what is she doing? She’s preaching about how she views God, and she’s preaching about how she views her husband if she’s married.

Paul says, “In the church it shouldn’t be that way. The women should not be prudish, but they should be modest.” And we’re gonna do probably a sermon later on feminine modesty. It’s a completely lost art in our culture. Am I saying that women need to be prudes? No. No. I’m just saying that there are certain things that husbands should see that all other men shouldn’t. That’s all. And so, that’s the principle. That’s the method. In addition, it goes further. It’s an issue of gender. Verse 11. “In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman.” This is important to get. In marriage, it is not two people in a contract. It is one person made out of two in a covenant. Okay? And I hate this thinking to where we’re two individuals and marriage is a 50/50 deal. It’s not. That’s a contract.

Marriage is a covenant. We’re one. It’s not like the woman is independent of the man, or the man is independent from the woman. We’re one. Okay, I had a dumb argument with a guy. I’ve had a lot of dumb arguments with guys. I had one in particular where they guy said, “Well, here’s how my marriage works. She’s got her own life. I got my own life. She’s got her own job. I got my own job. She’s got her own checkbook. I got my own checkbook. She’s got her own friends. I got my own friends. She’s got her own church. I got my own church. She’s got her own theology. I got my own theology. We’re independent, but we stand together.”

I said, “Well, hypothetically, you disagree on something. Just hypothetically.” I mean, I’ve heard of a few marriages where that happens. People disagree on something. I said, “What do you do?” He said, “We compromise.” I said, “Well, what about God’s will? Does God’s will ever get done, or you both have your own agenda and just meet in the middle?” I said, “Do you have any kids?” He says, “No.” I said, “Why?” He says, “Well, I really wanna be a dad, but she doesn’t want kids.” I said, “How are you gonna compromise? You gonna have half a kid?” Seriously, I mean, it’s just dumb. It’s not like her life is over there and your life is over here, and then we go to bed together. That’s room-mates. That’s life prostitution. That’s not a covenant.

It’s not an independence issue. We are people who love our independence. Some of you have heard about the first year of marriage and why it’s so painful for some people. If you get two individuals, and they’re both sinners who are wicked and rebellious, trying to be like God, knowing good and evil, ruling over the earth, and you put them in the same address, you will have friction. And they need to both defer to the head and stop fighting, and be interdependent, Paul says, instead of independent. “For as woman came from man so also man is born of woman, but everything comes from God.” Some of you say, “Well, this is mean. This is judgmental. This is just wrong. You’re saying gender, and men, and women, and God’s created us male and female,” – we’re gonna get into gender the next two weeks just to make sure there’s plenty of parking.

And some of you are saying, “Well, this is not right. Now, you’re talking about authority and submission and respect, and it sounds like you’re judging.” Well, Paul says we have to. Verse 13, “Judge for yourselves.” We have to judge. Paul says earlier, “Don’t judge those outside of the church, judge those in the church.” See, our problem is we love to talk about non-Christians and how dumb they are, and all the bad things they do. And then we don’t even look at each other and make any critical discernment. It should be the opposite. People who don’t know God, we should love them. People who do know God, we should spank them, because we love them. And folly always leads to death. And so we have to make judgments about these things. Who are you to judge me? I’m just reading scripture. God is judging me. Judge for yourselves.

Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Some loose, immoral woman who rebels against her father, her husband, her God? Is it okay for her to have two kinds of clothing: one she wears on Saturday night at the club, and one she wears on Sunday morning at the church? Is it okay for that woman to get up and to pray, “Dear Lord God, thank you so much.” It’s sick. It’s sick when we allow people who blaspheme God all day, every day with their lives, to stand-up in public and speak into a microphone, and to pretend in their hypocrisy that they’re his children. And we do that. I mean, the worse case I’ve ever had, I met a young woman who was a worship leader who wanted to lead worship at this church. This was years ago, you don’t know her. She says, “Well, I wanna lead worship.” I said, “Well, are you sleeping with your boyfriend?” She said, “Yeah.” I said, “Well, then you’re not gonna lead worship.” She says, “But I have a really good voice.” I said, “Well, I’m sure Satan sang like an angel, too, but he’s not getting the mike.”

You can’t lead worship and sleep with your boyfriend, ‘cause that’s your act of worship. You can’t dishonor God all week and then, because you have a good voice, get on the mike and say something. You know, character does matter for something. And I said, “If you wanna stop sleeping with your boyfriend, if you wanna, you know, actually worship God during the week, maybe then we can get to the point where you can speak into a mike.” She says, “Well, I just feel like you’re judging me. You have no right to do that.” And she leaves. Paul says, “Is it right for a woman who has no respect to be in authority; to get up and speak; to speak on God’s behalf? No.

Does Paul say that women can’t speak in church? It doesn’t say that here. He’s saying that, basically, as long as a woman respects the authority that God’s placed over her she can speak. But it’s not an issue of: Can a woman speak or not speak? The issue is: What kind of woman is she? Godly woman? Yeah. Ungodly woman? No. No. “Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair it is to her glory? For her hair is given to her as a covering.” That may be her covering. Some of you say, “Well, I don’t like this.” Paul says, “If anyone wants to be contentious about this, we have no other practices, nor do the other churches of God.” This is the way that it is for all the churches; period. It’s not like this church gets to do their thing, we get to – no. No, there’s one Lord, one God, one faith, one baptism. There’s one church.

Again, principles and methods. In that culture, which men had long, flowing, beautiful hair? The homosexual men did. And they were involved in the temple prostitution up in Corinth. God made us male and female. You should be able to look at a man and say, “That’s a guy.” You should be able to look at a woman and say, “That’s a woman.” Some of you know in this city, you see people and you’re like, “I don’t – is that a guy and a girl? Is that a girl and a girl? Is that a guy and a guy? I can’t figure out what that is. I can’t tell.” You know? You’re at a restaurant and you’re like – you and your date have got a bet to see which bathroom they go into. You’re just not sure. His, hers, and then the big question-mark on the door, which, you know, is like – what it is not saying here, that if a man has – I’d say, principally, we should be able to look and say, “That’s a guy.” Okay? Not the Calvin Klein sort of androgynous, going-by-on-the-bus picture of whatever the heck that was. But, that’s a guy, that’s a girl.

Men who – and it’s weird. We’ll get into this. I don’t wanna get too far into it, but it’s weird. Like, in our day now, it’s like really cool for men to shave and get laser surgery to take all the hair off their bodies; to be as boyish, or as feminine as possible. We’re gonna talk about that; at least, the three of us that are left. There should be gender in the church. Colossians, go to Colossians. We’re gonna do a lot of work, because – I’ll move quickly in Colossians. I just want you to see this issue of headship. Next week and the week after we’ll get into issues of gender. Colossians 1, beginning in verse 18. I’ll just move quickly through these. These are in your notes. You can go back and look at these later. Here it talks about Jesus in Colossians 1:18, “And he is the head of the body of the church. He is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have supremacy.”

There we’re told that, in the church, Jesus is the head, and that he’s the supreme and final authority in the church. Okay? Jesus is supreme. He is head over the church. Chapter 2, verse 9, it says as well, “For in Christ all the fullness of the deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ who is the head over every power and authority.” Some people say, “Well, just because he means head, that means that we proceed from him. That doesn’t mean that he has authority over us.” Paul is clear in Colossians that Jesus’ headship means that he has authority over all peoples and all other authorities. So, it is an issue of authority. And then over in chapter 2, verse 19 he talks about this sinful, rebellious man who was worshipping demons. He says that, “He,” verse 2:19, “has lost connection with the head,” that’s Jesus, “from whom the whole body is supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, and it grows as God causes it to grow.”

Okay, he makes this case of headship. Jesus is head. Jesus is head. Jesus is head. That Jesus is head over all things. If you go over then to chapter 3, verse 18, I’ll show you the practical out-working of this. As a result of Jesus’ headship there should be order in our lives. It says in 3:18, “Wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” Same thing that 1 Peter 3 says. “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children or they will become discouraged. Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything, and do it not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord that as – from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving, and anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favoritism. Masters, provide for your slaves with that which is right and fair, because you know that you also have a master in heaven.”

Here’s what he does: He tells us in Colossians, “Jesus is head. Jesus is head. Jesus is head.” Because of that, there needs to be order and authority and headship in other relationships. First, he says – I’ll give you the – sort of the hierarchy, “Children, honor your mother and father. Submit to them. Wives, submit to your husbands. Employees, slaves, respect your employers, your masters.” And immediately you’re thinking, “But I don’t understand. My parents are sinful. My husband is sinful. My boss is sinful. How can I honor them?” And he says here, basically, “Salute the uniform.” If that’s a bad parent it’s still a parent, and God has ordained the office of parent. If that’s a bad husband, salute the office. It’s still a husband. God’s made that office. If that’s your boss, it’s still your boss. Salute the uniform, even if the person in it is not very respectable. Respect the office. Salute the uniform. We live in a culture, though, where it is not only fashionable, it is encouraged that children would dishonor their parents. The church even has a theology that blesses this. We assume that after you graduate from high-school and you go to college, you will go on a drunken binge for four or five years, and shipwreck your life. And then you’ll come back, and we’ll have a big meeting, and you’ll repent, and we’ll let you back in. Some of you are on the backside of that. You just finished-up your five-year run.

It’s because we have this foolish thing we call adolescence. And adolescence is this big excuse to be an adult that acts like a child. And it begins when we’re little. You let the two year old throw a tantrum, and then you let them perfect that. When they’re 18 it becomes a real problem. And so children don’t respect their parents. Wives do not respect their husbands. We have sitcoms that do nothing but glorify women who sit around and say awful things about their husbands. And husbands do not honor God, and in addition to that, people don’t respect their boss. They don’t show-up to work on time. They don’t work hard. I mean, I was just talking this week to a gal. It was amazing. It was at a company, and I went to return some items. And she says, “Well, you need the receipt.” I said, “How come?” She says, “Because people are stealing $4,000 a day from this company.” And I said, “Really?” I said, “That’s an amazing amount of money. That’s like $1.5 million a year from this one store that is getting stolen.” I said, “Well, who steals most of it?” She says, “A lot of it is the employees.”

I said, “You’re kidding.” She says, “No, the employees will take things home, give them to family and friends, have them return it for cash, and then split the money.” I was like, “Oh, man.” With the children of God it should not be that way. That even if our boss is a jerk, we salute the uniform, because we believe that over or parents is God, and over our husband is God, and over our boss is God. And God will take care of all things, and right wrongs, and he’ll make it all good in the end. Go to Ephesians. We’ll do some work in Ephesians. Ephesians is just back to the left of Colossians. As you’re turning there, I’ll read a few other verses on this from the New Testament, so you don’t think I’m just pulling it out of a few books.

1 Corinthians 14:33-34, I’ll just read, “For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace.” What that means is every one of us can’t do whatever we want. “As in all congregations of the saints, women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but they must be in submission as the law says.” Titus 2 says likewise, “Teach the older women to be reverent in their ways. That they live not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husband. So that no one will malign the word of God.” And 1 Peter 3 says, “Wives, in the same way, be submissive to your husbands.” The theme throughout the Bible is that God has put certain people in positions of authority. And if those people are failing in their duties, it is not that we necessarily take people and elect them over that authority, but that we respect that authority and we let God deal with that authority.

In Ephesians, here’s where we go. We’ll start in chapter 1, verse 9. I’ll show you Paul’s argument in Ephesians on this issue of the head. If you’re freaking out, stay with me. Chapter 1, verse 9, “And he,” that’s God, “made known to us,” the church, “the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ to be put into effect when the times have reached their fulfillment, to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ. Sin has caused everything to fall apart and rebel and go its own way. God in Christ is reconciling the world to himself, and everything will be under the headship of God the Father, and God the Son. And God is putting everything back under its head, back in order.” Some of you say, “Well, the world doesn’t work that way.” That’s ‘cause the world is an enemy of God, and world and its wisdom does not know God. And we’re not to be conformed to the pattern of this world any longer. We’re supposed to be holy and different. We’re supposed to be different. So, just because the world rebels, and the wives gossip against their husbands, and children hate their parents, and because employees steal from their employers, that has nothing to do with us. We have a different king, a different kingdom, a different ethic.

We are in the process of being brought under one head, and he is in authority over us. And we bend our knee to that. Chapter 1, verse 20: “And God placed all things under his feet, and appointed him,” Jesus, “to be the head over everything for the church.” Jesus is the head over everything for his church. Ephesians 4:15, there’s another one there. I’ll tell you this, too. It’s nice to hear you guys’ Bibles flipping. Most of us, when we come to make a decision on something, we should seek to have that first sound before we make that decision. I hear a lot of people saying, “Well, I don’t think that men and women, or gender, or family, or marriage, or anything should be this way.” And my question is always, “Did you come to that conclusion because you were wrestling through the pages of your scripture, or because this is the way you want it to be; and you’ve picked a fight with God; and the only time you open the scriptures was to look for something to back you up?” So, it’s good to hear you guys’ Bibles flipping.

Chapter 4, verse 15: “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the head that is Christ.” Okay? Here’s Paul’s argument. Jesus is the head over everything. Jesus is the head over everybody. Jesus is the head because he loves the church. That’s – that’s it. Everything and everybody, because he cares for us. Why? Because we’re in covenant. Okay? Love comes into a covenant. It is not the foundation of the covenant. That’s why I said you guys were lied to earlier. Here’s the problem. If you think that your relationship with God, and your relationship with someone else is contingent upon love, what happens if tomorrow I wake up and just don’t feel like I love my wife tomorrow? I just don’t feel like it. I guess we’re done. Tomorrow, I wake up and just don’t feel like God loves me anymore. I guess we’re done. I wake up tomorrow and just don’t feel like Mars Hill loves me anymore, so I guess we’re done.

So, I’ll just put gas in my car and go live my individual life. The scripture says, “No.” No, actually, I’m in a covenant with my wife. And I’m in a covenant with you as a member of this church. And I’m in a covenant with God. And so love will come, but covenant goes even where I don’t feel it. People think the foundation is love. I don’t feel like I’m in love, I guess we’re done now. No. If we’re in covenant, we keep going. And love will show-up, I promise. Love always shows-up. You say, “Well, I don’t love them.” Well, the scripture says you can love your enemies. So, even if your spouse is your enemy, you could still love them. If you’re in covenant, God will make that possible. He builds on this then in chapter 5, beginning in verse 21. Here’s the practical out-workings of this doctrine.

He begins by saying, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Some people, they’re called Egalitarians, they’ll pull that verse out and they’ll not read the rest. You’ll say, “Oh, we’re not – it’s not that women are supposed to submit to men, it’s that men and women are supposed to submit to each other.” Not true. We’ll deal with that in a minute. There are different ways that men and women submit to one another. What this is, is authority and power. Okay? If the men agree with this statement, raise your hand. If a man tells a woman that he loves her, and will always love her, and will never leave her, and will be covenanted with her as Christ is with him; and that he will forgive her of all of her sins, no matter what she does; does he feel like he is making himself vulnerable and handing over power in the relationship? Every guy says, “Well, yeah.” That’s why men are reticent to tell women that they love them.

Because, for a man – some men do this to get you into bed. Those aren’t the kind of men I’m talking about. You’ve known them. They walk up to you at the bar and they say, “I love you.” And what they’re saying is, “I love myself, and I would like you to come over to my house and worship me.” That’s what they’re saying. But a man who looks at a woman in the eyes and says, “I love you, and I will always love you.” That man is submitting himself to that woman. What he is doing, he is giving her authority and power, and he is making himself very vulnerable now. And so, Ephesians talks about, “The man submits through love, and the woman submits through respect.” The way a woman submits is by respecting her husband. I think that one of the reasons that it says this, is because it is easier for a woman to love than it is for a man. I’ll field test this. You ever seen a woman who loved a guy who was a complete jerk? It’s weird. You’ll see guys that are crack addicts and wife beaters, unemployed bums, and the women will be like, “But, I love him.” You’ll never hear a guy saying that.

If a woman hits him over the head with a bat, and spends all of his money, and goes on a crack binge, he’s gone. He’s not even in the same zip-code. You can’t find that guy. “Hey man, she left.” Whatever. Good riddance. You know? You cannot out-shovel a woman’s love. A pastor recently said that. I was listening to his sermon. It’s a good word. A woman’s got a bigger shovel when it comes to love. And so men have to – they have to shovel a little harder and a little faster to keep up. It’s true. So, here’s what he said. Here’s how to your submit to – “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” And what this means is, if a woman isn’t submitting to the Lord she will not submit to her husband. If she does not respect the scriptures and Jesus, she’s not gonna follow anybody.

Wives, submit to your – what this also means is – I’ll ask you a question. Does this teach that women in general should submit to men in general? For the love of God, don’t get that out of this verse, okay? There is nothing worse than women who say, “Well, the Bible says I have to submit to men.” No, it doesn’t. No, it doesn’t. Only in a covenant do you have to submit. If men in general walk up to women in general and tell them to do things, women should not do them. Okay? That’s why single men are dangerous, because men initiate and women respond. And if dad isn’t there to sort of load the gun and sit on the porch, then men come up and they try to initiate with the women.

And the women will respond. And they’ll submit themselves to men that they’re not in a covenant with. Some of you are women that have had boyfriends break your heart, take your virginity, and lie to you and say they loved you. You shouldn’t have submitted to them. You should not have submitted to them. But, because you’re naturally prone to submission, you do. So, what you should do is not get rid of submission, you should just guard it very closely until you get a man who is in a covenant with you, and he looks like Jesus. Then, it’s safe. Until then, it’s very dangerous. Okay? And in some ways what our culture has said is, “You know what? Women who submit – men are dominant.” Here’s the whole point: Men are dominant. We are dominant. Some of you say, “Well, not in my family. In my family, my mother was dominant. My dad left us and didn’t have anything to do with us.” Was he still not dominant? Did he not affect everyone’s life and rule every day? And was not the empty chair at dinner dominating every moment of your existence?

He is dominant. And women are yielding themselves to that. What it means, if you put an ungodly man in a covenant, and he is a head over you, he will dominate but he will dominate in death, not in life. He will use all of his strength to kill you, not to build you up. So, wives are supposed to submit to their husbands as to the Lord; but, only their husbands. Can you imagine how violent I would be if my wife began submitting to other men? Someone would die. Ours is a jealous God, and I am made in his image and likeness. I’m a jealous husband. Seriously. There is a good jealousy. I see some, you know, 25 year old, unemployed player come up and flirt with my wife? Oh, I’ll be doing prison ministry from the inside. I am a jealous husband. I don’t want other men initiating with her, and her responding to them. No way. No way. Wives are supposed to submit, but only to their husbands, as to the Lord.

What that means as well is if the man asks the woman to do something that is against scripture and against God, she need not do it. The dumbest man I’ve ever seen was a man who wanted his wife to be involved in an illicit affair with him. And since she was a new Christian and didn’t know the Bible well, he pulls this verse out and tells here she has to do things with other people that she’s not even married to. She comes into my office, “Pastor Mark, do I really need to do the things he’s telling me to do? ‘Cause he says he’s in charge.” I said, “Well, ultimately, Jesus is in charge. If he’s telling you to do something that Jesus is telling you not to do, you obey Jesus, not the knucklehead who is abusing God’s word.” And so, that is the protection for the woman. Over the man should be the elders of his church. Over the man should be the scriptures. Over the man should be Jesus and God the Father.

What that means is, if that man is abusing, or harming, or mistreating that woman, she has a court of appeals. What she should not do is seek to replace him and say, “Well, if he’s not going to do his job, I’ll do it for him.” Now, women tend to do that because they want to help. They’re made for that. Eve did the same thing in Adam. That’s why Paul says to Timothy and to the Corinthians, “She was deceived.” She thought she was helping. She meant well. Have you ever seen a woman, though, that had a knucklehead for a husband who was not carrying his weight and so she just kept putting more of the weight on her back? My question to you: Have you ever seen that and encouraged the man to carry his weight? When a woman starts carrying his load, does he take it back ever? He doesn’t. He’s just like, “Well, great. Hey, you look like you’re pretty tough, here’s some more. I’ll be on the couch watching the game.” Yeah, 50/50 deal. So, it never works-out to a 50/50 deal. Even women who make half the money, I’ve never seen those men change half the diapers. I’ve never seen that. I’ve never seen a chart where it’s even; never.

What happens is, is that women who do not submit, what they are doing is they are ruling over their husband. They think that they are helping, but in fact they’re killing themselves. So, it’s like, “Well, you know, we can’t – you know, money’s tight. Okay, I’ll pay half the bills. Okay. Have kids? Okay, honey, I’ll raise the kids. Okay, honey, I’ll dah, dah, dah. I’ll do half the – okay, I’ll do the chores. Blah, blah, blah.” All of the sudden, next thing you know, the woman has got 80 percent of the whole household on her back, and her husband is a dead carcass that she’s got a rope around dragging to church, dragging to Bible study, handing him copies of my sermons. You know, trying to give it to him and motivate him to get up. And Paul says, “No, submit.”

Maybe you’ll be flat broke. Maybe things will go really bad for a while. But just because you step-in and carry his load does not mean that things will be better for you. The women are like, “Well, what if my husband refuses to work, and he’s a lazy bum, and he won’t discipline the kids. And he never reads his Bible, but he claims to be a Christian?” Let him do it. And then when everything falls apart, the church will love that woman and those children, and we’ll take that man out for a little session in the wood-shed. That’s what we’ll do. The men need to know this. If you are at Mars Hill, you will be dealt with more strictly and more harshly and more firmly than any church in this city. I promise you. We are not legalists, but we take God’s word seriously, and we believe that if the man is the head then we hold him to that.

That’s exactly what Paul says in the next verse. Just read this. “For the husband is the head of the wife.” We get confused in scripture. God says that we are things, and we trying to figure out whether or not we should be. Does this say that the man should be the head of his home? It doesn’t. It says he is. So, what we will not have at Mars Hill is arguments about whether or not husbands should be the head of their home. We will not have that argument. Biblically, you have nothing. You’re picking a battle with no bullets in the chamber. You have nothing other than opinion, conjecture and culture; which here, that and $2.00 will get you nothing. You can’t get anything for that here. Do not think that the reason why 40-percent of the children are going to bed in this country tonight without a father, and why more Christian marriages than non-Christian marriages end in divorce – do not think that that has nothing to do with theology. Don’t think that this has nothing to do with scripture. “Oh, they meant well, it just didn’t work out.” No. You reap what you sow. God will not be mocked. You set-up your home this way, this is what you get. You have sand for a foundation, it collapses. The husband is the head of his wife. What we have conversations about at Mars Hill is: What does that mean? The first thing that means is: A man is either a good head, or a bad head, but he’s still a head.

A guy can’t say, “Well, you know, I left my wife and kids, and I’m not having anything to do with my children. So, I’m not in charge anymore.” You sure are. You’re dominating their whole life by your absence. A guy says, “Well, I’m not the head of my home. I just let my wife do whatever she wants.” You’re still responsible. This is what a head means that even though you’re not at fault, you’re still responsible. A lot of the guys read this and they’re chauvinists, and they say, “Good. That means I’m the boss.” No, it doesn’t. It means you’re responsible. This is all an issue of the gospel. Marriage is nothing but the gospel living, breathing, walking around.

Let me ask you this: Why was Jesus killed? Who did he die for? He died for our sins, right? Now, did Jesus die for his own sin? He didn’t, did he? He died for my sin. Now, why’d he die for my – is it – is it his fault that I sin? Think about it. Is it my fault – excuse me, is it Jesus’ fault that Mark Driscoll sinned? It’s not Jesus’ fault, is it? He didn’t make me sin. He didn’t do anything. It was me. So, why did we kill Jesus? Why does God the Father put my sins on God the Son, and punish him in my place? Because he’s the head. And even though he’s not at fault, he’s responsible. Why? Because we’re in a covenant. You say, “Well, this happened 2,000 years ago.” I know. My covenant began not with my choosing God, but with God choosing me, and predestinating me and him before the foundations of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight.

If you want a total mind-bend, here’s where the covenant began. The covenant began an eternity past in the mind of God. And then Jesus came 2,000 years ago and died for my sins. And then, now that I am living and alive and breathing, I’m in a covenant with him. And because he’s my head, I get all the blessings of the covenant because he’s taken responsibility for things that are my fault. Isn’t that beautiful? And out of the covenant comes love. God demonstrates his love in this, who are yet sinners, Christ died for us. Because of the covenant there’s love, and love in scripture is always action. It’s doing things. So, if the man is the head of his wife, what does that mean when she sins? Men, what does that mean? He’s responsible. He can’t be like Adam in the garden saying, “Well, God, you made the woman. She’s defective. You sort this out.” That’s Adamic thinking. That is the curse. That is individualism. Jesus, according to 1 Corinthians 15:20 and – 21 and 22, rather – says that he is the second Adam. The second Adam, Jesus, did what the first Adam didn’t do.

Jesus does not walk in and look and say, “Well, my bride has messed everything up. She needs to fix this.” He comes in and does what? He takes it upon himself and he dies for it. What that means for a husband is this: If his wife sins, he cannot say, “Honey, you have made a mess of things. Honey, you have a problem. Honey, you really need to get it together. Honey, you really need to fix that.” A Christian man can never say that to his wife; never. Because, does Jesus say that to that man? Does Jesus tell that man, “You have messed up, and you need to get it together. You need to forgive yourself for your sins. You need to die on a cross. You need to make-up for it.” Jesus says, “No. I’ll take responsibility for what is not my fault.” Men who are heads need to be the same way. Now, this is probably different than what you were thinking. Some men read these verses and they read them wrongly, as chauvinists, and they think, “Great. That means I’m in charge and I get to boss the woman around.” No, it doesn’t.

It means that you get to die for her. I’ve heard a lot of women say, “Well, it’s not fair that the men get to be the head.” They would happily trade you, could they. Most men are somewhat afraid of taking a wife and children, realizing that everything that happens is their responsibility, and they have to fix it. If that means they have to die on their cross to make it good, they do; to show the gospel, because they love their wives, and they’re in a covenant. Practically, what this means: A man can never point his finger at his wife. The best he can do is to say, “Honey, we have a problem. Honey, we’re going to fix this. Honey, we’re gonna get through this.” And as crisis comes, a man who is a head does not push his wife farther, he brings her closer. That’s what Christ does with us.

Some of you have felt the closest to Jesus Christ after you’ve sinned. Why? Because after you’ve sinned, he has drawn you closer. A husband needs to do that same thing with his wife. I’ll give you a simple example of this. I know of a couple. The wife was driving, talking on the phone, fiddling with the radio, drinking coffee, not paying attention. Runs through an intersection. Totals the car. Boom. Gone. She comes home. She knows she’s at fault. She’s the one who totaled the car. She comes home, she’s thinking, “Oh, man, my husband is not gonna be happy about this.” So, she looks at her husband and she says, “Honey, I totaled the car.” First question, he says, “Are you okay?” She says, “Yeah, I’m okay.” He says, “Well, what happened?” She says, “Well, I wasn’t paying attention, ran an intersection, and I totaled the car.” And she says, “I’m sorry. You know, I’ll get a job. I’ll make-up for it if I have to. I’ll go without a car. You know, I’ll find a way to fix this.” He looks at her and he says, “Honey, that’s okay. That’s my responsibility. I’ll take care of it. I love you. I’m glad you’re okay. Next time, please, just keep your eyes on the road. I forgive you. I love you. And I’ll take care of it. I’ll figure it out. I’ll call the guy. I’ll figure out the insurance. I’ll buy you a new car. I’ll work extra hours. Whatever – I’ll take care of it.”

My question to you is this: Does that man need to pull out all the verses on submission to get her to respect him? No. Men only need to use the verses on submission when they’re not being respectable. If a man is respectable, the woman respects him. And as he loves the woman, she becomes more lovely. It’s why Paul gives a little bit of time to the women, and a lot of time to the men, because it all hinges with the men. At Mars Hill, everything hinges with the men.

If the children are disobedient, I will come looking for the father. If the wives are out of control, I will come looking for the husband. I will talk to the men, because they’re the head, and they’ll say, “It’s not my fault.” But it’s still your responsibility. We’ll get into this in child rearing. We’ll keep going. “The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church, his body of which he is the savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” You can’t just pick the things you want to agree with him in. So, what do husbands do? Husbands, love your wives. This is completely misunderstood. Some men think that because they have a gooshy feeling, they love their woman. That may be true. That gooshy feeling may be included in love, but Biblically, love is action. We know that God loves us because God does things for us.

He comes to earth. He dies for our sins. He raises from the dead. He intercedes for us in heaven. He answers our prayers. If we didn’t do anything we would really wonder whether or not he loves us. Men, love for you is action. You may have struggled – I struggled as a long time, as a new Christian, reading these verses, thinking, “Love your wives.” ‘Cause immediately, it conjured-up in my mind highly feminine imagery. Like, I need to sit around and get in touch with my inner gal or something, and just connect with – I don’t have an inner gal. I’m created male, not male and female. If there is an inner gal, then God help us all. I’m a guy. My wife is a gal. And when I thought of love, I thought, “Oh, gosh. This is a woman thing. This is a feminine thing. This is a female thing.” That’s why some guys struggle with love.

And usually the only guys who are really strong with love are guys who are highly feminine in the first place. Love here is a masculine love. Love is looking at your wife and saying, “I’m going to be like Christ.” What does that mean? “I’m going to show you my love, with my thoughts and my words and my deeds and my discipline. I’m going to work hard. I’m going to read the scripture. I’m going to lay hands and pray over you. I’m going to forgive you for your sin. I’m going to build a home. I’m going to love our children. I’m gonna raise our children to love and fear God. I’m going to speak well of you. I’m going to love you so that you become more lovely.” See, that’s a masculine love for a woman. It’s not just sitting around saying, “Well, I just feel.” ‘Cause there’s a lot of guys that just feel, but they don’t go to work, and they don’t stop playing video games, and they don’t stop dinking around with their car stereo. And they don’t ever get over their selfish, childish ways that Paul says they need to just leave behind.

Husbands, love your wives. How? Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy; cleansing her by washing her with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle, or any other blemish. Oh, this is awesome. Some of you men say, “Well, you don’t understand my wife. She’s a tough one.” She is no tougher than the church is for Christ. Here’s how Jesus changes his church. His kindness leads it to repentance. What he dies is he washes us with the word. He cleanses us. What this means for a husband, the husband has to be the pastor of his home. I hate seeing churches where the women’s ministry is enormous, and the children’s ministry is enormous, and the men’s ministry is very small. And the men think, “Well, my wife has got a good Bible study, and my kids have got a good Bible study. Good, now I don’t have to be the pastor of my family.”

That drives me insane. That the husband should be opening the scriptures and speaking with his wife, and speaking with his kids. And that the word of God should just be alive and active in the home. You know, an hour on Sunday morning in the class is not going to do a whole life change of work for the wife or for the kids. And that’s how he says it should happen. This – the way you get your woman to grow and mature and change as a husband, you bring her close. You love her. You forgive her. You pour yourself out. You die. You hang on your cross. You open the scriptures. You pray over her. And you be patient, and you invest in her. And you love her until she’s lovely. That’s exactly what Jesus does.

And so, for a man, he can’t walk around with his own inbred authority saying, “Do this, do this, do this.” He’s gotta open the scripture and say, “Honey, we have a problem. Things are going the way God says it should. Let’s study the scripture together. Let’s both submit ourselves to God. Let’s see what God says. And I’m going to lead our family through this. And we’re gonna – we’re gonna make this up. I’m gonna – I’m gonna be responsible for this, and I’m gonna take accountability for this before God. And we’re going to straighten out whatever’s amiss in our home, okay?” I have yet to see a woman hate a man who opened the Bible and prayed over her all the time. Most woman are like, “Great. Great. The reason I was angry is ‘cause you’re a knucklehead and you never read the Bible. And you tell me what to do, but you don’t hear from God. And that scares me, ‘cause that’s dangerous.”

The more that a man knows the scriptures, and the more that he shares them with his bride, the more simple it is for her to respect him. Very simple. And what he does then, is he pours the scriptures into her, and he loves her, and he forgives her, and he dies for her. And then he presents her to himself as radiant and pure, without blemish. What this does not mean is a man can have a standard for his wife and then just sort of sit there and tell her to become that. That’s not how Jesus works. Jesus does not say to his church, “Here are all the things to do. Now, do them so that I’ll love you. And until you do those, I don’t love you.” Jesus says, “I’ll love you first, and that will give you the power to do those things, and to change.”

So, a man can’t say, “Honey, here’s the 50,000 things I want you to do so that you could present yourself to me as holy and pure and radiant. I’ll see you as beautiful if you look like this.” See, that’s a works gospel. That’s not a grace gospel. A man needs to be like Christ and say, “Sweetheart, we’re gonna study the Bible and pray. And I’m gonna love you so that what? So that I can present you to myself. So that I can say, ‘Here is my wife. This is what love and grace does. This is what the gospel does. Isn’t she glorious?’” “In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” This is important, guys. Paul has just obliterated individualism. He says, “You know what? The husband and the wife, they’re one. And if you love the wife, you’re loving yourself.”

Some guys have this incessant need to conquer and rule. We’re gonna get into that next week. It’s part of the way God has created them. But, your wife is your ally, she’s not your enemy. No man ever wins a fight with his wife. Married men will tell you that. If you fight with your wife and you win, you lose. And if you lose, you really lose. So, you either lose or really lose. That’s the only thing a man can do in a fight with his wife. He won! Yeah, he won! Now he’s sleeping on the couch ‘cause she hates his guts. Great victory genius. Great. You see how stupid this thinking is? The enemy deceives us. We’ve been lied to. We think, “Yeah, this is a fight between us and I’m gonna win.” That’s like the left half of your body and the right half of your body getting into a conflict, and the right half of your body saying, “Well, I’m going to cut the left half off. I’m gonna get a chain saw. And I’m gonna start between my legs and conclude at my cranium. And as soon as my left half falls away, my right hand will extent itself in victory.” What a battle. Congratulations on that great victory. Your right side is not doing well in its victory. That’s what we do. A guy who fights his wife just takes a chainsaw to himself, and he cuts himself in half and declares his victory; not realizing that he has just killed himself. He’s just killed his own body.

So, what I’m not talking about is a man who fights with his wife and beats her into submission. That is absolutely anti-Biblical. I’ll ask you this question: Who’s responsible for feminism? Men. Just put it all on us. Just put it on the men. If the men were acting like Jesus, women wouldn’t need feminism. Feminism comes along and says, “You know what? Men hurt women. We need to have women be tougher.” I agree with their premise. Men hurt women. I do not agree with their solution. If a man emotionally, physically, verbally, spiritually punches his wife in the mouth, my goal is not to get her to endure pain and bleed less. My goal is to get him not to hit her. You understand the difference?

Any man who loves his wife loves himself. What does that mean? Any man who hates his wife hates himself. He’s a guy who’s sitting there, he thinks he’s punching his wife. He’s punching himself in the mouth. Okay? Proverbs talks about a fool. I would say that is a fool. I don’t want tough women, I want loving men. If women have loving men, they don’t need to be tough. But, who created this whole feminism? Men. Who kept punching? And so at Mars Hill we’re committed to preventative measures, which is training, discipline, beating the men. Seriously. And so the way I’ll talk to the men is different than the way that I’ll talk to the women. Scripture says not to be harsh with your wife, but brothers confront each other face to face. There’s a difference, male and female.

And if we love the women, the best thing we can do is make sure the men are in line. Because it’s the men who create lots of problems for the women. Now, some of the women invite it. I understand that. “In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies,” verse 28. “He who loves his wife loves himself.” Why? They’re one. “After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it just as Christ does the church, for we are members of his body.” It goes back to Genesis. This is not a cultural issue, this is a creation issue. “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother, united to his wife, and they’ll become one flesh.” That’s Genesis 2:24. Here’s the process.

A man leaves his father and mother. Before he becomes a head of a woman, the man needs to be the head of himself. That means a guy’s gotta leave his mom and dad. He’s gotta get a job. He’s gotta get a theology. He’s gotta get a church. He’s gotta put his life together. For the love of God ladies, if you meet a guy who’s living with his mother, and his dad is still paying his rent, and his mom is washing his underwear, and he wants to marry you, for the love of God send him into my office. Let’s get some time with that guy. Women think, “Oh, I’ll help him. I’ll fix him.” It’s like picking-up a stray cat. It’s – the cat is stray because he wants to be stray. The man is a fool because he wants to be a fool. If a man can’t balance his checkbook, get a job, keep the job, go to church and read his Bible, you don’t wanna slip-in underneath his authority. I mean, you shouldn’t.

You say, “But I love him.” Do you respect him? That’s what you’re looking for is a man that you respect. So, the man has to leave his father and mother. He as to grow-up, and he has to be the head of his own life, before he can take a wife. And then, they become one. That’s a covenant. They get married, enter into a covenant, and they become one. That’s the process. Now a man’s – you know what? That’s a good test. If a woman says, “He works hard. He makes money. He loves the Lord. He reads the Bible. He’s got a good church. He’s got a place to live. He’s got his stuff together. Can I trust him?” Looks like he knows what he’s doing.

This is a profound mystery. That’s why there are so many books written on this topic. But, I’m talking about Christ in the church, however. Each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. I will say this to the men: If the women are not respecting the men, whose fault is it? It is the men. So the men now cannot go home and read all the verses on submission to their wives. What they may need to do is lay hands and pray over their wives, and say, “God, please forgive me for my sin. Apparently, I’ve erred. My wife is not respecting me. Please teach me how to love her enough to change her heart.” And he takes responsibility. Some of you say, “Well, it’s not my fault.” It wasn’t for Hosea. His wife was a whore, and he kept buying her back. You love her. You love her. You love her. You love her. Until what? Until she looks lovely.

What this does not mean: Headship is not a license to be harsh. Men should treat men differently than they treat women. 1 Peter 3 says, “Men should not be harsh with their wives, because wives are the weaker vessel.” That does not mean that men are tough and women are weak. What that means is this: Men are thermoses and women are goblets, or fine china, or crystal. The issue is not: “Well, which one is better?” Well, it depends. You wanna go hang drywall, or you wanna drink vintage wine? I don’t want vintage wine in the thermos. That’s all it’s talking about. She’s gentle. She’s fragile. She – she’s beautiful. You know, if you’re carrying a thermos, you drop it on the ground, no big deal. You drop a goblet, you got tremendous problems. Women should be held with tenderness and affection.

We’re gonna talk about masculinity as loving women with nobility and honor and dignity. It should be that when a woman walks in the room, the men stand; the men open the door; the men speak well to and for the women. There should be a chivalry that comes back in God’s people. You shouldn’t treat your wife like the guys. “Aw, suck it up.” Why? I mean, why? I mean, okay, correct – you know, you’re louder than her, and you eat more meat. But, you shouldn’t brag about that. You know? That’s – you wanna go out with the guys and eat meat and yell? Fine. Do that. Praise the Lord. But not at home with your wife around the dinner table. What this does not mean is it’s a ruling of one individual over the other. When you become one, there’s no more competition, there’s cooperation. There’s not independence, there’s interdependence. This is not a conflict between enemies, this is an alliance between allies. This is not a ruling of men in general over women in general. This is just a husband and a wife, or maybe a young girl and her dad.

This is not a right for the men to assess blame to God or the wife. Here’s the deal, men. If you’re frustrated, it’s your responsibility. And a belief – it is not a belief that men are better than women, or even more competent. Some people say, “Are you saying men are better than women?” No. You know who is most convinced that men are incompetent? Men. We have – we have a lifetime of evidence. We know that we are not – that’s why some men are like, “Honey, whatever you want, you do it.” Why? “’Cause I know I’m an idiot.” But the problem is, we need not remain idiots. We need to progress beyond that, and get wisdom and knowledge. That’s Proverbs.

So this is not saying that men are better than women at all, or even more competent. What this does mean is there’s a much greater burden for the husbands. This is not a 50/50 deal. This is a command to humble service. Men need to die for their wives and pour themselves out like Jesus. This is a command for men to take responsibility when they are not at fault. This is a command for individualism to be replaced by covenant oneness. This is a command that men are dominant in marriage. That does not mean that men should dominate, but that they do. If a man sins, he ruins his wife and his kids’ life. He affects everything under him. And it’s a recognition that he is going to dominate either for life, or death; for wisdom or folly; for worship or for rebellion. It’s a command that men need to be respected and women need to be loved.

I’ll tell this to the women: More than anything, your husband wants you to respect him. If you nag him – that’s why it says, “He will pitch a tent on his roof,” in Proverbs. He’ll sleep outside before he deals with that. If you berate a husband in front of his friends, or in front of his kids, it just kills him. There’s a difference in the Bible between pride and dignity. Pride is a sin. All men need dignity. Guys hate nothing worse than losing their dignity. And women need to be loved. And men need to be respected. If a woman is well loved, she’s happy. If a man is well respected, he’s happy; ‘cause that’s the way God built them. The problem is usually – when a problem comes into a marriage, they respond the same way. The man will give more respect to his wife. What she needs is more love. The wife will give more love to her husband. What he needs is more respect.

It is a command that men use their strength to build their wives rather than tearing them down. This is a command that men cannot be chauvinists or passive cowards like Adam. And lastly, it is a practical showing of the gospel. All marriage is, is the gospel. That’s why we love it. If you don’t understand the gospel, you will not understand marriage. God made us. God covenanted with me. God loved me. God died for my sins. He took responsibility for things that are not his fault. He continues in his covenant with me. He’s the head of the covenant, so he takes responsibility for it. He’ll bring it to pass. And there’s love there. And where I’m faithless, he’s faithful. We celebrate that at communion; Jesus’ body and blood broken for us. And the church is his bride. That he is our groom. That he has taken responsibility for things that are our fault and he has redeemed them, and he is washing us with water through the word so that we would be holy and blameless in his sight.

He’s teaching us scripture so that we would change and be more like him, and imitators of God. So, we’ll take communion. We’ll take an offering. And tomorrow, the men will get together – tomorrow night, and we’ll talk about the practical implications. I’ll just close with this: I wanna see different men. I wanna see different men. Some men are at the beginning of this journey, but here’s what I see. I wanna see our grandkids’ men, and our great-grandkids worshiping the same God as we worship, and further down the road of wisdom that we were given. That’s what I wanna see. I wanna see wives that are just loved, and happy. And I wanna see the gospel just screaming through the families. I wanna see the kids grow up, and when they hear that God is Father, and he takes responsibility for their sin, it makes sense ‘cause dad’s been doing that the whole time anyways. You need to start to dream of this new world in your head and what it could be like.

Father God, thank you for a chance to read your word. Lord God, I thank you so much, Lord God, that we have a full building of people who wanna sit here for a really long sermon, on a really hard topic; probably things they don’t even wanna hear. Lord God, it is your grace and your kindness. Lord Jesus, I thank you so much that you treat me in such a way that I now know how to treat my wife; and that if it wasn’t for you, I would have no idea what that looked like. I thank you that you are taking responsibility for things that are not your fault. And you died for my sin. And you rose. And you forgive me. And you love me. And you dwell with me. And you pursue me. And you initiate with me. And you care for me. And you love me. And your kindness leads me to repentance. Lord God, it’s just sort of amazing to me, but I’m real grateful. I pray for the singles in this room, Lord God, that they would get firmly implanted in their mind the picture of what they’re looking for, rather than just getting stuck in something that is second rate and un-Biblical. Lord God, I pray that we would not just have Christian marriages, but that we would have covenantal marriages that show the gospel. I pray, Lord God, that all the marriages would last; that there would not be division of union. I pray that men would not be like Adam, blaming you, God, and blaming their wives. That Lord God, we would take upon ourselves the mantle of headship, with a sober judgment and with a real firm, steel conviction to love the women that you’ve given to us, and to do a good job serving and caring for those things under our responsibility. Lord God, we love you. We thank you. I love my wife, and Lord God, I thank you so much that you’ve given her to me. She has made it very easy for me to do these things, and she has been nothing but help; and I’m grateful for that. Amen.